What's the meaning of meaninglessness?
by xxyyxx
Summary: Naomi, a passionate but slightly snobish reader, has no luck in finding her significant other. When she spots a gorgeous redhead sitting just a few steps away from her at her favourite coffee shop, her life changes. She does find her love; though it might not be the way you'd imagine it.
1. Part 1

A/N: This has barely anything to do with Skins so take that on mind. It's a short story written from Naomi's point of view; from the point of her more or less, diary. I hope you'll enjoy it and sure let me know what you think :)

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There's always something interesting in the way that the sun sets and rises. I mean, even the fact that the low tide and the high tide are both caused by the gravitation of the moon is just something unimaginable. Isn't that just interesting? How can something affect something else by doing something very natural? Easily. Even though the moon is far away, even though the sea waves are reluctantly moving in different directions according to the wind, even though the earth is spinning for twenty four hours every day since the very first moment, through it all, I can state, that one does not emerge from the heart of nothingness. Also the fact that there can be hundreds of people in a single swimming pool and they're all sharing the same warm water as much as they're sharing the same windy air. It's almost as fascinating as the shades of people standing in front of a club when there's a humble coffee shop right next to it, glowing in the dark, early autumn scent. Now I am getting quite nostalgic here. I am sitting, yes. We are, as people, sitting very often. Like when you eat your breakfast composed of cereals without any milk or when you're at school, wishing for the lesson to end or at train station, waiting excitedly for your future adventure to begin. So I am going to lie down. On my back because I don't like lying on my stomach. It's probably just me; as it always is.

Have you ever wondered why we see ourselves differently in the mirror than we do in photographs? Do you know why we like ourselves more in the mirror? That is because we see our faces conversely in the mirror whilst in the images; we look exactly the way we appear in pure reality. In the past, present and eventual future. That's deeply disturbing and sadly disappointing. We're livid and traced and constantly watched by thousands of strangers who have no idea what you ate for lunch or when your first teeth started pruning out. But this is not what I want to talk about. Or write about. I didn't want to write about the moon and summer and potentially autumn. I didn't want to tell you about appearances or about the way I like to lie down. I do not know why I did. I guess you must be really something! You can congratulate yourself because you managed to catch my eye. Only a few people ever deserved my attention. I am a snob, I know that. Because of that, my love life has been sad and empty as the water well in Sahara. I am not complaining except I am. I am fully aware of my arrogant, snob-ish behavior, yet I am still surprised nobody wants to actually share their life with me once they get to know me. That's why I'm being neutral most of the time; most of my life. Why bother everybody else when I can bother myself? I do, and it's been twenty three years.

So I only ever date women who are stupid enough to love me. Only I hate people and love them at the same time. It's almost incomprehensible; nobody understands and nobody wants to understand. That's the problem. I am both introvert and extrovert at the same time. So I told you that I love the curves and the quality of women. My name is not important but I'll tell you anyway even though I'm not sure I want to; it's Naomi. Although you'll never know if I haven't just made it up. In this society, you're never fully allowed to believe in anything. Everything is so fake nowadays that even our own lives don't seem real enough. I just read this book because I simply love reading; because the world isn't as likeable as some writers make it ought to be. And it was about this boy who always cried when somebody told him something horrible. But as he grew up, he realized that the only thing that is really horrible about it doesn't even weights a pound. "Those are just words." he realized. "They can mean anything. Anything you want them to mean." And I really admired it. I am just sitting on my green bed in my small room where there is nothing except for the bed and my guitar. Also there is a small desk but I kept it simple and stuffed the only bookshelf I have with books I love.

But this is also not what I wanted to write about. God damn it, why do I always get distracted? It's like I write one thing and it leads to another and all of a sudden, I'm talking about something completely different. So of course I want to write about somebody. Somebody special. I will tell you how she found her way to me. And of course it was that coffee shop right next to the club. I don't work there or anything; I just love it and spend a lot of time there even though it takes me half an hour to get there. I usually ride on my bike because I love the smell of fresh air and because I am trying to stay fit whilst I usually spend so many hours playing with words in my head in my room, having an adventure with one of many books.

Her name was interesting enough to make me notice her existence. Emily, they called her. I was quietly sitting on my spot (near the window but not as close so people don't get to see me but I get to see them), reading local newspaper. There wasn't anything interesting really, but I read it anyways. I always do. I was in my own bubble, not caring about anyone or anything. Or at least I was trying to. But then the coffee started tasting weird, the newspaper seemed more boring than ever before and the desk was not worth of leaning to. So I gazed up and took a glance at this person that was sitting on the other side of the café. She was as quiet and concentrated as I am when I'm reading. It was only then that I noticed that she was actually reading. I looked back at the table. The coffee was almost cold by now and I had no further intentions in drinking it. I moved it further away from me and placed the newspaper there instead. I couldn't help but give her another look. I must have been staring for a couple of minutes and I'll tell you or at least I'll try to tell you what was going on in my head: "Oh wow. Beautiful. Like actually beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen somebody so beautiful. Sexy as well. All of it. Oh my god. I'm sixteen again. I feel sixteen again today. I don't feel stupid. Maybe I should, though. Should I? Wow, no idea. But look at it. I can't stop looking but I want to stop. Or I think I want to stop but I just can't. What do I do. Mother, tell me. I am your daughter for Christ's sake! I need help. Oh my god don't look here, don't look at me just get back to reading that book. Oh thank you. Thank you for not looking at me while I am burning a hole through you. What is that book? What is it about? Why are you reading it? Can I have a look? I love reading and you do, too. We're the same person. But we're not. Jesus, what am I even talking about? Do you see what you're doing to me? And you haven't even talked to me. Hell, you haven't even looked at me."

So basically my mind shifted from twenty-something to sixteen or fifteen. I was not able to do anything else. I guess I just found my guilty pleasure; watching somebody read. I watched as her eyes were lining up the words in the book. I watched as she took a sip of coffee which was placed in front of the book. The book was lying on the table so I did not have the chance to recognize it. Basically I saw nothing. I realized that I had my book with me, too. It was peacefully resting in my bag along with many other things in the chair right next to me. I fished the book out of my bag and had a closer look. I've seen it many times but that does not mean I can't like it even more. I like the cover; it's only simple blue with the title on it. "What's the meaning of meaninglessness?" I read in my head. I read it once more before I glanced back at the stranger in the corner of the coffee shop. She were five meters away from my sitting spot and I could still see every emotion that was coming through her face. She smiled politely when there was a hint of humor. She smiled widely when there actually was something funny. She raised her eyebrows when something didn't make sense or when something was kind of shocking. I saw it all.

I looked at my watch just to take a break from talking too much in my head. I realized I had to go; I did not have all the time in the world. But I wished I had. I spent another ten minutes just considering if I should leave her an anonymous note or if I shouldn't. I decided that yes, I will do it. Mostly because I was sick of being sick and sick of doing nothing. I had no real friends. I only had books. Snob snob snob snob. If I had the mood I would just go tell the waitress that the coffee tasted horribly and she would deny it, saying that I drink it every day and I've never had a problem with it before. I wouldn't admit that it was my fault that my taste went crazy. I wouldn't. Instead, I'd yell at her and she would hate me for the rest of her happy, pink and childish life. But I did not have the mood. Not when there was this beautiful creature sitting just a few steps away from me, breathing heavily, deeply and steadily whilst her eyes were scanning through page by page. Instead, I called the waitress to pay for the coffee. "One fifty, please." She said and I noticed she had it all written down. I handed her the money and she just smiled. She also put the piece of paper on the desk. There was written "1 coffee, three sugars, no cream" on it. I smiled for myself. I noticed her little sign, hanging on her uniform. Effy, it read. We exchanged looks, I almost stood up and she almost went away. "Could you do me a favor?" I asked innocently. "Okay, what is it?" "Can I borrow your pen first?" She handed me the pen and this is what I wrote on the piece of paper with my order: "I did not dare to interrupt you because you looked like you were on your best adventure. I hope it is worth of your time. Here I attach something that was worth of mine. May the stars fade but I will never stop thinking about the beauty of words. It might be just me." I returned the pen back and with that, I slipped the book into her hands. "Put it on that table when I'm gone." I pointed towards the place where she was sitting, hoping she'd get it. She just smiled, like it was nothing at all, whilst I was completely nervous and had no clue what I was, in fact, doing.

I slowly left my chair, gave her my last look, then gave another last look to the waitress and left. I so badly wanted to see her reaction. "How can I see her whilst she doesn't see me?" I am an expert in that. But this time, I was outside and she was inside. It was conversed situation and I didn't like it as much as I did from the inside. So in the end, I hid myself behind the corner. It was a competitive position; I could always run or just hid myself behind the corner fully. It didn't take long for the waitress to do what I asked her to do. I started sweating a little and I felt nervous. Deep inside, I knew she wouldn't burn the book or do anything similar. She was a book lover after all. And so was I.

Her cheeks turned the color red when the waitress placed the book with my note on the table. Second thing she did was that she looked around the café. That's understandable; everybody would do it automatically. I slipped back behind the corner and then looked again; when I was sure it was safe enough to look. Well, I wasn't sufficiently sure, but I risked it for a biscuit. Her whole gaze was now pointed towards the book. Her eyes slowly scanning the-my-so-favorite cover and in the depth of her pupils; she was smiling. She didn't open the book; she just slightly ran her fingers through the cover and smiled again, this time with the help of their lips. I didn't look anymore. I hid behind the corner and my legs started moving. I might have been walking in a completely wrong direction but I didn't care much because that day was sunny and everything was shining and my heart was pounding and all the people around me were breathing the same air as me and suddenly; I even wanted to share. I felt myself not being so angry and my thoughts revolved of a particular stranger in the most precious coffee shop in town. I came home; to my apartment. I lay down on my green bed and my gaze turned up so I was facing the ceiling. It was simple white, though my walls weren't. I'm telling you straight away that I cannot put two colors to match. I was not gifted with that talent. I guess I am just unlucky.

The entire evening, I spent by staring at the ceiling and reading. I often changed the direction of my gaze for I could not concentrate on a single thing. I noticed there was a black mark; probably from a dead beetle. It's still there. I started reading but I could not match the words together for life. They were running from the paper, I swear. So I stopped, feeling slightly tired. There was just something in the air that night; maybe because I've never felt that way in my entire life and maybe because for once, I wasn't acting like a snob. Snob snob snob snob. I congratulated myself imaginably and my inner voice started talking again. You can guess what about.

The very next day, I couldn't decide whether to go for my favorite cup of coffee or not. What if something will happen? And that's the thing. I'm casually worried that something might eventually happen even though I so desperately want things to happen. Because nothing ever happens to me. Finally, after what seemed like an entire life of a hamster, I decided to go for it. Because really, why not? "Nothing will happen." I convinced myself every time I started panicking. I almost started regretting it; the note and also the book. But I plucked up the courage and the café was empty so I sat down exactly where I sat the day before; where I sit every lazy time. Nothing was different, yet nothing was the same. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The same waitress from the day before noticed me and blinked at me. I gestured somehow (like I always do and she always knows what I want) that I want my cup of coffee, with sugar and without cream. She nodded. I didn't even blink and she was already there, putting the coffee down on the table. "I did what you asked me to. I think it turned out well." I smiled, not quiet realizing she actually wanted to talk about it. So I just said "Yeah. I know." But that didn't help at all. Vice versa. She sat down in front of me and looked me deadly in the eye. "How do you know if you were gone?" I considered lying to her but she looked so innocent and caring at the same time; I couldn't. "I kind of spied. I'm quite good at it." A small pleasant laugh escaped her mouth and I didn't think anything of it. "Have you ever spied on me, too?" She actually looked like she was curious; as if she was trying to make a serious joke. "Only when you sleep." I said and smiled back. We both laughed and it wasn't awkward; we knew each other for quite a while, though we've never talked except for the sign language. I don't know if that counts. She raised her eyebrows and stood up, returning to her daily job. "Good girl." I didn't really hear her but I saw her lips moving so I figured.

It rained that day lightly. As I was sitting near the window sill, I watched the drops drop and I found it entertaining. It was like the first rain after a hot weekend; smooth and chilly. I didn't pay much attention to the world around me; to the people around me. Everybody was either having a conversation with their beloved person, or typing something on their phones whilst drinking their coffee anyway. To be honest, I found the drops more amusing than almost everybody else in that coffee shop. I wished there was no window so I could raise my hand and feel the drops falling on and off of my wrist. It's still very interesting; the fact that it's just falling from the sky like there are no problems. Even the fact that the water can be from miles away; from a lake or a sea somewhere across the continent. A small noise interrupted my intense staring session. There was now my book lying on the table. I automatically looked around and I smiled widely when I noticed that she was sitting on the exact same spot as the day before. She looked for what seemed like the very first time and I couldn't make the eye contact infinite so I gazed down. I carefully patted the cover of my favorite book, trying to find out if it has any damage visible. It was perfectly flawless. I took it to my hands and placed it on the table so it was standing. The pages were slightly open and it didn't even take ten seconds until something fell out from it. It was a note. Of course. "It's not just you." I laughed in my head really loudly but nobody could hear. I stopped smiling for a second and looked at her again. She didn't know what to do else either but she seemed inviting enough. So I plucked up the courage, packed my things and went towards her table with the book in one hand and the coffee in the other. "Can I join you?" I asked carefully, my voice trembling a little. I can't even remember the last time I was this nervous. She nodded and added a silent "sure". We were sitting in silence for a while. I could finally see her closer which just confirmed that I have been right the entire time; she was perfect. All the details, human of god. "So did you like the book? Or have I made a mistake?" I couldn't look at her for I felt like a peasant. Do you ever meet somebody so beautiful, you feel suddenly so embarrassed of yourself? "I loved it. How did you know?" I was relieved. I saw a glimpse of the waitress so I looked around and she just blinked at me and gave me thumbs up. "How did I know what?" I underpinned my head with both my hands. "How did you know I would love this?" I smiled again because I had no idea. "I just knew." I lied. I looked at her hands for a split second; I always look at people's hands. It's like some people look at tits and bums and legs and I look at their hands. It's that simple. "So I guess you're my soul mate, then." It was that moment when I noticed that her each eye had a different color. One was chocolate brown and the other slightly green. I loved it. "Yeah I guess. Your eyes…" "Um, yeah. Lots of people ask me about it. I had a surgery once to save the vision in my right eye because I had an inflammation of the iris." She must have suffered a lot, but it turned out to be wonderful. Genuinely unique. I just smiled, not wanting to comment it anymore. I even started to feel more comfortable around her. "So what was your favorite part?" I do have my favorite part and I somehow hoped it would be her favorite part, too. "If you'll let me look into it for the second time, I'll read it to you." She took a sip of her coffee. I already drank mine. I slowly handed her the book and without wanting, our ends of fingers touched. She didn't even blink, though she was smiling. But I started realizing the fact that she might be smiling her entire life. She opened the book and stopped when she reached the wanted page. She took a breath and started reading out loud:

"_Shake it off. Shake it until it's precisely gone. Feelings flow through human beings, yes. They flow through me. They make me feel, and that's why they are called feelings. I was lying on the grass and I was gazing on the stars. I was also breathing and freely living my life. But I think it doesn't matter equally. Nobody cares. Though, once you stop breathing, it begins to matter. It only makes me think even more. Why do things matter after they're radically meaningless? Let's go to the forest now. It's dark and it's late and I should not be in the middle of nowhere in such time. People tell you that because they're constantly worried. Some of them, I mean. The closest. Horrible things are happening. I am here, sitting on a tree trunk and somehow, I feel safe. Safer than with all those people, whose mouths are filthy and whose brains don't think before the mouths do their action. It only makes me feel better now. Throughout the years, I learnt one thing. I'm better than all of them. All of the filthy mouths and all of the empty brains. Thank you, Merci. Thank you for everything." _

As she finished, my inner self begun to rejoice. That was exactly the part I have waited for all my life. I have waited for somebody who'd think the way I do. And it was a pleasure; I finally found them. She gingerly closed the book and moved it towards me. I was speechless. But I knew I had to say something. "Yes" was all I managed. "Yes?" "Yes, I guess you _are _my soul mate." We spent the rest of the afternoon by just sitting and talking about everything and agreeing and then smiling and also realizing that we really might be somehow connected to each other. It has never happened to me before. I mean, I have met people who I agreed on things with; but never like this. Not ever. I felt honored. We talked about the weather, about the universe, the undersea, music and the literature. We spent maybe another hour only talking about our favorite books and recommending each other what we should read. It felt wonderful; having somebody you have SO much in common with. But then she had to go. I almost started believing that we could talk like that forever. But then we were just two people, sitting in a coffee shop and everyone around us had no clue. It was getting dark outside; the entire day was dark since it was raining and I think there were no natural intentions in stopping. I didn't mind, though. The rain was making peaceful atmosphere and I was grateful for that. I didn't hear any voices except for hers. I didn't drink anything else. I guess I wasn't thirsty anymore.

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Reviews appreciated!


	2. Part 2

The next day, I woke up earlier than usually. I don't know why. I rolled up the curtains and my eyes were blinded immediately. "Jesus, what happened?" This was exactly what ran through my mind. "I don't know. Maybe it's the sun that has risen." My alter ego answered sarcastically and there I was; fully awake and blinded by the light which I didn't see the day before. At least not on the sky. But I saw the sun in her. I swear I did. I stepped closer to my bed and scanned the bookshelves through my eyes. I always do that; it's my morning ritual. I've been collecting books for almost two years now, though, I wasn't yet able to fulfill even half of the bookshelf. That's probably because I am really careful and it just takes me a lot of time to decide whether to buy it or not. Whether it is worth of reading or whether they are the same, cliché words all over again. I like original books. All the books in my shelf are not ordered by genres; but by colors. I like it that way; I don't know if it's just me.

This time, I decided I would ride on my bike to the cafe. It's white, old vintage bike and it's pretty comfortable riding. I reached my destination not even ten minutes later and locked my bike to this iron rod thingy. When I entered the café, she was already sitting there with a book in her hand and a cup of something in the other. I passed my old sitting place and aimed to the chair right in front of her chair. I was so glad we got to talk this soon. I think it would be slightly embarrassing and pervy if I just kept on staring at her. "Hey." I said whilst I was sitting down. "Hey, you." I took off my leather jacket and hugged it around the chair. The waitress immediately acknowledged my presence and headed towards me. "Hi, are you ready to order?" She asked, looking innocent again and that was the second time she's ever asked me that question and I wasn't able to figure out why. I shot her a weird look. She just smiled meaningly and looked at my companion. I'm not sure if I'm sure but I think there was a small hint of hurt in her eyes and maybe she tried to cover it with her smile. But come on! It was so obvious, it was just the corners of her lips trying to form a smile; not those bluish eyes. "Yeah well, I'll have a hot chocolate." She wrote it down, not really having any emotion on her face except for concentration. Then, she looked up and gazed at Emily, waiting for her order. She took the cup to her hand and lifted it, showing she still hasn't drunk her coffee. The waitress nodded sympathetically and headed towards the back of the café. I recuperated and we started talking about something. I don't remember what entertained us until the waitress brought me the hot chocolate. I had to be patient for a few minutes because, almost shockingly; the hot chocolate was actually hot! Would you believe that? After that, we started conversing mindlessly. Don't get me wrong; our conversations were often intelligent and made sense. Until one of us brought up something the other had no idea about. That was just one side conversation. "There's this party on Saturday. Would you like to come?" I am so not the type that attends to parties or any other social meetings in that matter. But it was her. It was her, sitting in front of me, watching me shift nervously and asking me if I want to go to a party with her. I couldn't just say no, could I? "Okay." An answer finally came out from my mouth. "Cool. Give me your number and I'll text you the details." She handed me her phone and I slowly typed in my number. "Sadly, I've got to get moving, soon." She announced and I was not surprised. It was always like that; she did not have all the time in the world even if I wanted her to have.

Later on, she messaged me the details even though it was briefly just the start of the week. I saved it, rewrote the address on a piece of paper and then pinned in on my wall. I kept repeating the address in my mind. It couldn't help but feel unknowingly familiar. It took me two whole days to realize that it was the club right next to the coffee shop. How blinded and well shattered was I?! We haven't talked since then; I went to the coffee shop once more but she wasn't there. So I stayed at home, trying to read some books but it did not help any of those things that have been going on inside me. Instead; it made it even worse. Don't mind me, those days were beautiful. It didn't rain and the sun was spectacular. I just didn't find the lust to admire it anymore. Things didn't feel right but they were the rightest they've ever been simultaneously. I can't quite put it into words; I'm sorry.

On Saturday, I was a nervous mess and I knew it. Although I tried to stay cool and chill and whatever I could stay, I tried. But trying isn't always getting results, is it? It took me approximately two hours, twenty six minutes and thirty seven seconds to decide the outfit I'd be sharing my experiences with. It was a dress after all. Not those innocent, virgin looking ones. But hot ones. Properly hot; I was almost convinced I'd make at least a good impression of myself. I could always make myself look good on the outside when I was permanently marked on the inside. I guess the God had no compassion for me when he'd made me. When I was ready, when my black eyeliner was applied, I still had an hour to kill. Out of nothing, I decided to go (you already know where) to the café for I haven't visited for a couple of desperate days. Can you imagine? I actually had to make my own coffee. So I came in, sat down and waited. I don't know what for; I wasn't waiting for anybody. I was the only person there. It was getting late and I knew they'd be closing in a couple of minutes. I didn't want to order anything, either, because I was preparing myself for those possible shots entire day. I spotted the waitress. She didn't look hurt anymore. She actually seemed interestingly cheerful. "Hey, you want something? We're closing, soon." She was a really good person. I don't know if she acted with me the same way she acted with anybody; it most certainly made me wonder. "Um, no, thanks. I just came to kill time. Care to join me?" She looked behind her right shoulder, I don't know why, and sat in front of me; like she always did. She looked mindfully tired because her eyelids seemed heavy not just to herself. "So, having the big date tonight, huh?" She took me by surprise; how could she possibly know? "How do you know that? And it's not… it's not a date." I shifted slightly, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "Come on! You should see your face every time you look at her face. I'm not stupid, honey." Was it that obvious? I didn't mind, though. I wanted the whole world to know. "Okay, okay! I like them and I just hope I'm not hoping for anything else than for them to like me back." She laughed quietly for herself. "Doesn't even make sense, right?" "No, it does." She tried to keep her face straight but couldn't manage that for a whole minute. "No, it doesn't." Now I was laughing, too. Maybe because we were the only people there, maybe because it was fully dark now and the sun would not appear on the sky until the very next day. Maybe it was her laugh that made me feel like I wasn't the only one in the world. Like I wasn't alone.

"I'm afraid I've got to run." I checked my watches and I had ten more minutes. It didn't take that long to cross the street but I wanted to be there earlier, just in case. The waitress's smile disappeared and so did mine. At least the real one; I kept smiling hopelessly, trying to make the end of our meeting feel less painful for her. "Yeah, the big date. I remember." She forced a smile herself but I was hundred percent, positively sure it was as fake as anything in this world. "See you later, I guess" was all I managed to say. "Yeah, see you." I pushed the door open and the sound from the other building hit my earlobes immediately. How come I didn't notice inside? I crossed the street quickly and I could already feel myself sweating a bit. Either it was the stress or my body condition went to hell. Oh, I didn't have one. It didn't take much; just a lot of sweat and shrouded thoughts; until she showed up. And almost obviously of course; she wasn't not alone. "Hey, you." She waved at me from the distance and my hand automatically waved back. Not even a few seconds later, we and all of her friends were standing in a circle. "So I guess this is the right time to introduce you, guys. So, this is JJ, that's Pandora, the emo one is called Adrian and the Japanese looking one's named Whiskey." I had to laugh at that one because really, how can somebody name their child after an alcoholic drink? "And this is Naomi." Everybody looked at me nicely and I thought I wouldn't mind them after all. Except for this Japanese girl. I think she hated me for the way I laughed at her about her name. I've never been good at making friends, that I'm telling you. "What's up, fuckers!" A loud voice resonated in the still very noisy surroundings. "Oh, Cook! I swear you looked hundred percent better when I didn't see you!" I felt already quite uncomfortable; too many people, too many voices. I always had it like that, even though I was the snob one; I was always unintentionally scared of people.

When we entered the club, it was and wasn't exactly what I expected. The party was just rising up and people were dancing furiously. There was a huge, silver disco ball, hanging in the middle of the room. I really liked that; I've never seen one like it, though I've always wanted to own one. Behind all that was a huge, colorful bar and many people were buying drinks. The manager had to be gratefully delighted for he had to earn a lot of money. There's no wonder; people are bored, want to get drunk and do things they usually wouldn't dare doing in their sober life. But this wasn't why I came, was it? The huge disco ball and a room full of drunken strangers were most definitely not the reason I came. The reason why I came was standing just a few inches away from me, talking to one of her friends. "And then he was like, do it babe, and I was like, fuck you, and then we broke up. End of story." How could she hang out with those people? They were maturely noticeably younger and obviously somewhere else. I didn't speak; I didn't really want to speak to any of them except for her. And that didn't really stand any chance. I was almost halfway disappointed and I almost gave up when her hand touched mine. "Want to go dancing?" I just nodded and smiled widely; no words were required.

I wasn't sure I could dance (I am not as moveable as everybody else, but I still tried) until the very moment her hands landed on my hips. _Magnifique,_ quiet accurately. I don't know if it was the way we were moving together, or if it was the precious music that was bumping into our ears like a wind; finally, after all the days, all those years; finally something seemed perfect enough for my life to continue happily. After what seemed like an infinite moment of taking a breath and latching oxygen, we stopped. "I need a fag! Going with me?" That was breaking news for me because I didn't know she smoked. I tried to take it as a not turn off and nodded, showing my honest approval. The night cold air welcomed us pleasantly as we made our way down the road. We stopped when we had the perfect view on both; the club and the coffee shop. "Having fun much?" She asked me whilst lightning up her cigarette. "Oh, totally." I smiled for a brief second and watched her take a drag. Suddenly, totally unaware of the surrounding world; I felt ultimately jealous of the cigarette. She tried to hand me the fag but I couldn't. "Thanks but I don't smoke." I kept looking at that coffee shop, trying to imagine how this all started. And mostly I just wanted to distract myself casually. "How encouraging." I stepped closer towards her but it was as if I moved closer and she moved further away at the same time. "Why do you smoke anyways?" I asked when I gave up on leaning closer. "I mean, don't you even mind a little bit that you might die out of it? That it might kill you one day?" I raised both my eyebrows and quietly waited for an intelligent answer. "I don't mind dying. I probably would mind not dying more." After that, I was quiet the next few minutes. We had so much in common; we almost didn't know what to talk about anymore. I had no idea what to say and I still felt nervous like a sixteen year old. Still, there was something universally attractive about her; I couldn't resist. I HAD to kiss her, I decided. And it would be that night. So I waited patiently until she got rid of the fag, then I plucked up all my courage and leaned closer, this time fast enough for her to not move away. I was so sure of myself and still, the world is just a shitty place. Or am I just not lucky? I didn't even touch her lips. That's how far it went. "What are you doing?" She asked, sounding surprised. "Um, I don't know. Kissing you?" I started panicking in my head and my heart went a little crazy. "But why?!" Those were NOT intelligent questions. Those were not even answerable questions. "Why do you think?!" I stepped away, feeling guilty all of a sudden. It wasn't a crime, was it? It's not like I murdered somebody. "Yeah but, it's not right! I've got a girlfriend for fuck's sake!" That was the moment when the ground felt like caving in and my heart felt like it will escape from my body. "I didn't know that. I'm sorry." I was panicking now, fully and mindlessly. I gave her my last look and turned around. My legs were moving by themselves; I couldn't stop them. I wished for myself to be at home but I felt foolish and stubborn for leaving her alone as well. But she wasn't alone, was she? I was.

I was making my way around the club, watching the shades of people come and go. Then I turned around and there it was; the coffee shop, glowing in the dark, early autumn scent. I noticed the lights were still on. There had to be somebody, I thought. I moved closer and looked inside from outside of the window. I didn't know what I was expecting. It wasn't even midnight; that's how long the entire show lasted. I saw a glimpse of a brunet. I knocked on the window tenderly, waiting for any form of response. And there she was, the waitress, still dressed in her uniform, still looking horrifically tired and hopelessly exhausted. She unlocked the door and let me in. "What are you doing here?" She looked surprised but not entirely. "I got dumped." I didn't cry; I didn't think somebody like her was worth of crying. We both sat down, the way we usually sit. There was minimum of light and I didn't mind at all. I needed this. I needed to be somewhere quite, where there was one person with me who didn't smoke or drink. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked gently and her voice echoed in the silence. "Have you, have you ever felt like your entire heart was ripped out and then eaten by a million sharks?" She smirked then put on a sad smile and after that she seemed confused. She was changing her emotions more than anything; if it's even possible. "Oh, you mean a 'heart-break'? Yeah, I've had one." I frowned and rested my head in my hands. I felt lost like a puppy. The maintenance of reality. Surreal. "Yeah well, I don't really want to talk about that." She blinked slowly and gave me an intense look. I felt like she could see right through me; like I didn't even have to say anything. "Okay then, we won't." We sat like that for a few minutes, enjoying the night and each other's company. It felt nice, just being with someone and not having to talk. The night was beautiful; the stars were beautifully visible and the moon was unusually red. Imagine what it would look like, if we could see other planets the way we see the Moon. Just imagine Saturn and it's huge ring so visibly close to you, you couldn't even look away. You'd have to be looking forever. "Hey, what if it's the end?" I asked, not really wanting to hear any form of answer. I almost couldn't hear the noise from outside but I surely felt her hand the second it ended up on mine. "What if it's just the beginning?"

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